Top ten black film clichés

In the midst of my procrastination I managed to muster some energy and allocate some of my time towards creating a compilation of the top ten, tired, stereotypical, black film clichés. I can’t take sole credit for this idea. My Girl Danielle and I were talking, and very casually stumbled upon the idea of creating such a list. Now of course the list is based on my own anecdotal observations, so please feel free to comment, and let me know if I’m way off mark or on point.
10. Coming in at number 10 is morbid obesity. Think Martin Lawrence in Big Mama’s House, Monique in every one of her roles, and Eddie Murphy in every role he’s had in the past 10 years. We as Americans are bombarded daily about the dangers of the epidemic that is morbid obesity, but Murphy has single handedly turned it into a pandemic in black film. Somewhere in between Coming to America, and hunting for man sex, which subsequently lead to his run with the law, Murphy has donned countless fat suits, and made millions exploiting obese black folk.
9. Climatic gun shoot out. What black film doesn’t have one of these? Name one, I dare you to. Think Morris Chest nut’s dramatic murder sequence as Ricky Baker in the film Boyz in the Hood, or Queen Latifah as herself in Set it Off, unleashing a storm of gunfire. You see these violent climaxes are an essential component of black film. They provide shallow depth to an otherwise awful film.
8. Gabrielle Union, Vivica A. Fox, Nia long. Yes all beautiful, talented, accomplished thespians, but any black film that’s come out in the last 10 years is guaranteed to star one of these fine ladies.
7. Angry black women. Any film starring two or more black actors increases the likelihood by 50% that one of the roles will be an angry black woman. You see you just can’t have a black film without an angry black woman. Think Angela Basset in Waiting to Exhale. The only black film that does’t star an angry black woman are black gay porn flicks.
6. See Number 6 is a wild card, and that Wild card is Tyler Perry. Mr. Perry has made a fortune off of every black film cliché, and I very well could have used him in any category. Because of this I’ve decided to dedicate a whole number to him. Seriously check out one of his films, they’re simply 2 hours of black film clichés.
5. Head twisting. Midway down the list is the infamous head twist. You’ve all seen it on the McDonalds commercials that air on UPN and BET networks. Black women twisting their heads in all kinds of directions, enjoying a quarter pounder with the commercial’s narrator speaking in extra heavy black accented vernacular. Pretty much any black film will have numerous scenes with head twisting.
4. Did I mention Gabrielle Union, Vivica A. Fox, Nia long, oh yea they were number 8, but seriously you can’t escape them when you’re watching black films.
3. Church. You see like the essential climatic gun fight, the church is almost equally important. There are two places where one is likely to observe the church in black films, and it is usually in the middle or at the end of the film. See, the church scene is interchangeable with the climatic shoot out scene. This usually works a little better at adding more depth to the film, cause Lord knows we black folk loves us some Jesus, which brings us to the number 2 cliché.
2. Jesus, son of God, the almighty, the third part of the trinity, whatever you call him, we black people love us some Jesus, and there is just no way a black film can be complete without him.
1. Rounding out our all time, top ten black film clichés, are in fact clichés themselves, but not just any clichés, they are biblical clichés. Have you ever been going through some difficulties, and have someone tell you to “let go and let God”? Yea I’m not sure what it means either, but rest assured it’s been said in about every Tyler Perry Film, and about 75% of other black films. Or How about “God don’t give you nothing you can’t handle”? Um I beg to differ, but yea it’s another overused black film cliché.